If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
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No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
😅😅😅
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.