Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
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I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
I didn’t come here to be called names
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
I never needed anything more in my life
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
looks legit
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.