To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
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I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Noted.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee