Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
You Might Also Like
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Dietest Coke
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit