I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
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If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Cat.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Had an epiphany today.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.