My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
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How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.