Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
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[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.