I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
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Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 馃く
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Should I ever go missing, please don鈥檛 let the news use my 7th grade picture.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.