@AndrewChamings: ME: I wasn't invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you're melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
@AndrewChamings: [proctologist’s office]
ME: *unzipping pants nervously*
PROCTOLOGIST: You're nervous, that's normal, but please zip my pants back up.
@AndrewChamings: ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said "It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to."
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
@AndrewChamings: PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
@AndrewChamings: If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
@AndrewChamings: In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
@AndrewChamings: [at funeral parlor with bereaved girlfriend]
HER: You think these glass urns are a good idea?
ME: Remains to be seen.
@AndrewChamings: 2015: I can't believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn't destroy itself forever in violent chaos