Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of AndrewChamings's best tweets

@AndrewChamings : MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of? WIFE: I just...[sobbing]...don’t want the kids to suffer ME: Eels

@AndrewChamings: ME: I wasn't invited to the party

FRIEND: Yeah, people think you're melodramatic

ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone

@AndrewChamings: [proctologist’s office]

ME: *unzipping pants nervously*

PROCTOLOGIST: You're nervous, that's normal, but please zip my pants back up.

@AndrewChamings: ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said "It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to."

BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.

@AndrewChamings: PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.

KID: Okay.

PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.

@AndrewChamings: If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.

@AndrewChamings: In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.

@AndrewChamings: [at funeral parlor with bereaved girlfriend]

HER: You think these glass urns are a good idea?

ME: Remains to be seen.

@AndrewChamings: 2015: I can't believe people think the dress is blue and black

2016: I hope the human race doesn't destroy itself forever in violent chaos