Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of AndrewChamings's best tweets

@AndrewChamings : her: why is there a duck on your shoulder? me: he’s my life coach her: you wanna go to olive garden? *duck whispers in my ear* me: that’s a yes

@AndrewChamings: [sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason

@AndrewChamings: (god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?

@AndrewChamings: In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.

@AndrewChamings: I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato

@AndrewChamings: Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there's a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit

@AndrewChamings: [shark tank]
me: ridiculously wide sunglasses
shark 1: i'm out
shark 2: i'm out
hammerhead shark: i'm listening

@AndrewChamings: me: just bear with me

bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in

@AndrewChamings: interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?

me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born