Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of AndrewChamings's best tweets

@AndrewChamings : [really awkward birthday party] FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]

@AndrewChamings: [joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]

HER: No way this thing does 150.

ME: Only one way to find out...

[pulls over & checks wikipedia]

@AndrewChamings: Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.

@AndrewChamings: Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling "shrinking dog syndrome" while he's on your lap

@AndrewChamings: murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons

me: i’ll wait

@AndrewChamings: [having sex] this is the best sex I've ever had

her: ok let's take your bike helmet off tho

@AndrewChamings: Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils

@AndrewChamings: CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.

ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*

[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]

@AndrewChamings: I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can't deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you're scaring the kids

@AndrewChamings: [first day as a celebrity chef]

*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*