Funny Tweeter

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Page of AndrewChamings's best tweets

@AndrewChamings : Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils

@AndrewChamings: CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.

ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*

[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]

@AndrewChamings: I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can't deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you're scaring the kids

@AndrewChamings: [first day as a celebrity chef]

*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*

@AndrewChamings: Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.

ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.

@AndrewChamings: MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?

WIFE: I just...[sobbing]...don’t want the kids to suffer

ME: Eels

@AndrewChamings: ME: I wasn't invited to the party

FRIEND: Yeah, people think you're melodramatic

ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone

@AndrewChamings: [proctologist’s office]

ME: *unzipping pants nervously*

PROCTOLOGIST: You're nervous, that's normal, but please zip my pants back up.

@AndrewChamings: ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said "It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to."

BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.

@AndrewChamings: PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.

KID: Okay.

PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.