@AndrewChamings: CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
@AndrewChamings: I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can't deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you're scaring the kids
@AndrewChamings: [first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
@AndrewChamings: Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
@AndrewChamings: MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just...[sobbing]...don’t want the kids to suffer
@AndrewChamings: ME: I wasn't invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you're melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
@AndrewChamings: [proctologist’s office]
ME: *unzipping pants nervously*
PROCTOLOGIST: You're nervous, that's normal, but please zip my pants back up.
@AndrewChamings: ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said "It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to."
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
@AndrewChamings: PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.