@AndrewChamings: [joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out...
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
@AndrewChamings: Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
@AndrewChamings: Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling "shrinking dog syndrome" while he's on your lap
@AndrewChamings: [having sex] this is the best sex I've ever had
her: ok let's take your bike helmet off tho
@AndrewChamings: Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
@AndrewChamings: CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
@AndrewChamings: I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can't deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you're scaring the kids
@AndrewChamings: [first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*