Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
You Might Also Like
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*