Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of AndrewNadeau0's best tweets

@AndrewNadeau0 : {Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be} ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka? BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.

@AndrewNadeau0: PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.

@AndrewNadeau0: JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.

GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.

@AndrewNadeau0: 1492
[DAY 6]
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.

@AndrewNadeau0: MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it's cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?

@AndrewNadeau0: {Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!

@AndrewNadeau0: {Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.

@AndrewNadeau0: {Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.

@AndrewNadeau0: Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.

@AndrewNadeau0: ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.

HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.