Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of AndrewNadeau0's best tweets

@AndrewNadeau0 : [3rd Date] *To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached. ME: I don't even care what season we get married in.

@AndrewNadeau0: DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl

@AndrewNadeau0: ME: You know what they say, "Never go to bed hungry."
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It's prolly cuz you're hungry.

@AndrewNadeau0: Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.

@AndrewNadeau0: *Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*

@AndrewNadeau0: ME: Tableā€¦table doesn't look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter

@AndrewNadeau0: RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket

@AndrewNadeau0: {Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don't like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?

@AndrewNadeau0: My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.

@AndrewNadeau0: If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.