Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of AndrewNadeau0's best tweets

@AndrewNadeau0 : FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it? [at the same time] HER: Frankenstein. ME: Frosty the Snowman.

@AndrewNadeau0: ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.

@AndrewNadeau0: MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.

@AndrewNadeau0: DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.

ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?

DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.

ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*

@AndrewNadeau0: Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.

@AndrewNadeau0: {Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.

@AndrewNadeau0: Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.

@AndrewNadeau0: ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.

MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?

@AndrewNadeau0: One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.

@AndrewNadeau0: ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.

UBER DRIVER: No.