Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of AndrewNadeau0's best tweets

@AndrewNadeau0 : The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.

@AndrewNadeau0: BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.

@AndrewNadeau0: Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.

@AndrewNadeau0: HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.

PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.

HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.

PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.

@AndrewNadeau0: ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.

JINN: Done.

[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]

JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.

ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.

@AndrewNadeau0: [After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!

@AndrewNadeau0: SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!

PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:

SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.

@AndrewNadeau0: LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.

DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.

@AndrewNadeau0: ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It's just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.

@AndrewNadeau0: [1588]
ME: Your majesty, the armada is coming!

QUEEN ELIZABETH I: What armada?

ME: Nothing, what’s a’mada with you?
Hahaha. No, no, but for real, it’s the Spanish and they, like, super want you dead.