Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
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Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Lmao
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.