Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of AndyAsAdjective's best tweets

@AndyAsAdjective : gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says "MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU'RE KID" just to troll the grammar nazis behind me

@AndyAsAdjective: She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I'm over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what "hither" means.

@AndyAsAdjective: "how'd your football team football today?"

those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin'

@AndyAsAdjective: [sound of can opening]

wife: you're drinking a beer this early?

me: c''s super bowl sunday

wife: but we're still at church

@AndyAsAdjective: people said my days of misquoting famous idioms were over but I'm like a phoenix rising from molasses

@AndyAsAdjective: This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.

@AndyAsAdjective: I now feel I've watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I'll be able to successfully make it in prison.

@AndyAsAdjective: ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner's ready!

6YR OLD: what are we having?

ME: you'll like it! trust me!

6: I ain't falling for that shit again

@AndyAsAdjective: [checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]

ME: I knew she'd come crawling back to me one day

@AndyAsAdjective: [morning]

her: did you dream about me?

me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?

her: umm no

me: then no