@AndyAsAdjective: Just blew up my daughter's beach ball by mouth & I'm afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
@AndyAsAdjective: holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
@AndyAsAdjective: FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like...to dinner
ME: cool, cool
@AndyAsAdjective: guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
@AndyAsAdjective: [1 year 4 months since Totino's changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
HER: still mad at Totino's?
@AndyAsAdjective: Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
@AndyAsAdjective: [staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
@AndyAsAdjective: KID: dad, I think a ghost is in my room
ME: the ghost in the scary movie I said not to watch?
ME: well good luck. that thing's freaky as hell. goodnight
@AndyAsAdjective: *walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?