@AndyAsAdjective: 8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I'm sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
@AndyAsAdjective: 8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
@AndyAsAdjective: "IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY"
@AndyAsAdjective: flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
@AndyAsAdjective: 7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
@AndyAsAdjective: [on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can't come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?
DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It's Boogeritis