Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of AndyAsAdjective's best tweets

@AndyAsAdjective : ME AT 19: I'm gonna travel to so many countries! ME AT 29: I'm gonna try a new craft beer! ME AT 39: I'm gonna try a different cat litter

@AndyAsAdjective: [kidnapped & trapped in trunk]

*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*

"I…am…a…vegan"

@AndyAsAdjective: *personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*

@AndyAsAdjective: *snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*

ME: let's hang some floral art décor!

@AndyAsAdjective: The new employee manual at work mislabeled "casual Friday" as "cannibal Friday" & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.

@AndyAsAdjective: Tried to spoon my wife & she throat punched me
She said "Sorry I was dreaming of my judo class"
But she doesn't take judo
Plus she was awake

@AndyAsAdjective: *starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn't die this time*

@AndyAsAdjective: ME: I dreamed about you last night

PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir

@AndyAsAdjective: an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet

@AndyAsAdjective: Judging by this sunburn, I'd say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.