Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of AndyAsAdjective's best tweets

@AndyAsAdjective : Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.

@AndyAsAdjective: [staring up at the sky]

ME: what does that cloud look like to you?

11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category

ME: well I see a corn dog

@AndyAsAdjective: KID: dad, I think a ghost is in my room

ME: the ghost in the scary movie I said not to watch?

KID: yes

ME: well good luck. that thing's freaky as hell. goodnight

@AndyAsAdjective: *walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*

EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?

ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?

@AndyAsAdjective: HER: how was your day?

ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?

HER: it was that bad??

ME: oh no, it's just a cool scene…my day was decent

@AndyAsAdjective: wife: are you drunk?

me: define "drunk"

w: impaired by an excess of alcohol

m: define "excess"

w: yeah, you're drunk

m: define "you're"

@AndyAsAdjective: [reading dinosaur book]

8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl

ME: actually sweetie, it's a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus

8: how did you ever get laid?

@AndyAsAdjective: You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can't finish this relay race.

@AndyAsAdjective: 8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?

ME: aw sweetie, I'm sorry…I had pizza for lunch

8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?

@AndyAsAdjective: 8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?

ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?