Funny Tweeter

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Page of AndyAsAdjective's best tweets

@AndyAsAdjective : *steps out of time machine* SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler? ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…

@AndyAsAdjective: 3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706

@AndyAsAdjective: gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says "MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU'RE KID" just to troll the grammar nazis behind me

@AndyAsAdjective: She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I'm over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what "hither" means.

@AndyAsAdjective: "how'd your football team football today?"

those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin'

@AndyAsAdjective: [sound of can opening]

wife: you're drinking a beer this early?

me: c'mon...it's super bowl sunday

wife: but we're still at church

@AndyAsAdjective: people said my days of misquoting famous idioms were over but I'm like a phoenix rising from molasses

@AndyAsAdjective: This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.

@AndyAsAdjective: I now feel I've watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I'll be able to successfully make it in prison.

@AndyAsAdjective: ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner's ready!

6YR OLD: what are we having?

ME: you'll like it! trust me!

6: I ain't falling for that shit again