Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of AndyAsAdjective's best tweets

@AndyAsAdjective : [restaurant] can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please? -how bout just one whole pizza instead? oh no I can't eat a whole pizza

@AndyAsAdjective: I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out "Cue the battleship!" in her sleep & now I'm jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.

@AndyAsAdjective: ME: I love you

HER:

ME: I said I love you

HER: sir, I can't give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order

@AndyAsAdjective: [spelling bee]

your word is 'hors d'oeuvre'

"can you use it in a sentence?"

yes…'I bet this kid can't spell hors d'oeuvre'

@AndyAsAdjective: In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.

@AndyAsAdjective: It's that wonderful time of year again when the spiderwebs I've been too lazy to clean become functional decorations.

@AndyAsAdjective: ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it's Gary, right?

NEIGHBOR: Deborah

@AndyAsAdjective: I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.

@AndyAsAdjective: *walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*

hey kids…I'm here to talk about how chairs confuse me