@AndyAsAdjective: [kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
@AndyAsAdjective: *personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
@AndyAsAdjective: *snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let's hang some floral art décor!
@AndyAsAdjective: The new employee manual at work mislabeled "casual Friday" as "cannibal Friday" & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
@AndyAsAdjective: Tried to spoon my wife & she throat punched me
She said "Sorry I was dreaming of my judo class"
But she doesn't take judo
Plus she was awake
@AndyAsAdjective: *starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn't die this time*
@AndyAsAdjective: ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
@AndyAsAdjective: an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
@AndyAsAdjective: Judging by this sunburn, I'd say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.