Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of AndyAsAdjective's best tweets

@AndyAsAdjective : Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say "This is Lolly, Pop." Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.

@AndyAsAdjective: Just blew up my daughter's beach ball by mouth & I'm afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.

@AndyAsAdjective: holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV

@AndyAsAdjective: FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight

ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?

FRIEND: um, like...to dinner

ME: cool, cool

@AndyAsAdjective: guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking

@AndyAsAdjective: [1 year 4 months since Totino's changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]

ME: *sigh*

HER: still mad at Totino's?

M: yeah

@AndyAsAdjective: Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.

@AndyAsAdjective: [staring up at the sky]

ME: what does that cloud look like to you?

11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category

ME: well I see a corn dog

@AndyAsAdjective: KID: dad, I think a ghost is in my room

ME: the ghost in the scary movie I said not to watch?

KID: yes

ME: well good luck. that thing's freaky as hell. goodnight

@AndyAsAdjective: *walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*

EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?

ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?