Funny Tweeter

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Page of AndyAsAdjective's best tweets

@AndyAsAdjective : After months of trying, I finally have a runner's body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.

@AndyAsAdjective: [Saturday morning, 5:53 am]

[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]

8YR OLD: dad, I'm bored

@AndyAsAdjective: ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS

HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?

ME: I do not

@AndyAsAdjective: Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say "This is Lolly, Pop." Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.

@AndyAsAdjective: Just blew up my daughter's beach ball by mouth & I'm afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.

@AndyAsAdjective: holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV

@AndyAsAdjective: FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight

ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?

FRIEND: um, like...to dinner

ME: cool, cool

@AndyAsAdjective: guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking

@AndyAsAdjective: [1 year 4 months since Totino's changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]

ME: *sigh*

HER: still mad at Totino's?

M: yeah