@AndyAsAdjective: gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says "MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU'RE KID" just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
@AndyAsAdjective: She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I'm over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what "hither" means.
@AndyAsAdjective: "how'd your football team football today?"
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin'
@AndyAsAdjective: [sound of can opening]
wife: you're drinking a beer this early?
me: c'mon...it's super bowl sunday
wife: but we're still at church
@AndyAsAdjective: people said my days of misquoting famous idioms were over but I'm like a phoenix rising from molasses
@AndyAsAdjective: This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
@AndyAsAdjective: I now feel I've watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I'll be able to successfully make it in prison.
@AndyAsAdjective: ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner's ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you'll like it! trust me!
6: I ain't falling for that shit again