@AndyAsAdjective: [Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I'm bored
@AndyAsAdjective: ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
@AndyAsAdjective: Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say "This is Lolly, Pop." Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
@AndyAsAdjective: Just blew up my daughter's beach ball by mouth & I'm afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
@AndyAsAdjective: holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
@AndyAsAdjective: FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like...to dinner
ME: cool, cool
@AndyAsAdjective: guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
@AndyAsAdjective: [1 year 4 months since Totino's changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
HER: still mad at Totino's?
@AndyAsAdjective: Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.