Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of AndyAsAdjective's best tweets

@AndyAsAdjective : [reading dinosaur book] 8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl ME: actually sweetie, it's a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus 8: how did you ever get laid?

@AndyAsAdjective: You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can't finish this relay race.

@AndyAsAdjective: 8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?

ME: aw sweetie, I'm sorry…I had pizza for lunch

8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?

@AndyAsAdjective: 8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?

ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?

@AndyAsAdjective: "IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY"

@AndyAsAdjective: flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane

me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!

@AndyAsAdjective: *inhales helium from balloon*

I think we should see other people.

@AndyAsAdjective: 7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?

ME: are…are you high right now?

@AndyAsAdjective: [on the phone]

ME: Boss, I can't come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?

DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis

ME: [to phone] It's Boogeritis