Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
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[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Sex so good you see dead people.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
you gotta be faster
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute