One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
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Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Love this guy
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…