Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
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Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??