didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
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Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS