Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Angibangie's best tweets

@Angibangie : [The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let's see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?

@Angibangie: Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma

Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories

Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table

@Angibangie: My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.

Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.

@Angibangie: Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?

Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?

Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?

Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!

@Angibangie: Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.

@Angibangie: -My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That's the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I've made out with my cat.

Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]

@Angibangie: I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”

@Angibangie: What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?

@Angibangie: Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!

-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.

@Angibangie: Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.

CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.