Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Angibangie's best tweets

@Angibangie : Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.

@Angibangie: -My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That's the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I've made out with my cat.

Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]

@Angibangie: I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”

@Angibangie: What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?

@Angibangie: Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!

-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.

@Angibangie: Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.

CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.

@Angibangie: Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.

@Angibangie: Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?

It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese...

@Angibangie: 6 yo: Can I have your water Mommy?

- No, that's vodka. Don't touch it. And don't try to dilute it with water when you're 16 I invented that

@Angibangie: Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?

Him: A scientist?

Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?

Him: I get that we're never going on a second date