calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
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I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything