What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
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Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Social Media and Real life
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.