My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
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*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
When a shoelace touches your ankle
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.