My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
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Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME