Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
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Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all