If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
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If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Its true…
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?