Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
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Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
the composer
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.