My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
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me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread