Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of AnniemuMary's best tweets

@AnniemuMary : My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.

@AnniemuMary: My kids, writing negative political ads:

Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.

Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.

Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.

@AnniemuMary: Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.

@AnniemuMary: Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?

@AnniemuMary: Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.

Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed

@AnniemuMary: A bug on my hood as I'm leaving the driveway. Suddenly I'm the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he's ever known.

@AnniemuMary: It's an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.

@AnniemuMary: Dear commercial,

If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother's Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.

@AnniemuMary: Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that's forever.

@AnniemuMary: Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.