Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of AnniemuMary's best tweets

@AnniemuMary : Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.

@AnniemuMary: Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, "Does she wear earrings?" Long pause. Other guy, " I don't know."

@AnniemuMary: Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.

@AnniemuMary: Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.

@AnniemuMary: I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”

@AnniemuMary: If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.

@AnniemuMary: Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.

@AnniemuMary: Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.

@AnniemuMary: My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.

@AnniemuMary: My kids, writing negative political ads:

Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.

Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.

Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.