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My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit