89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
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wtf is a larm clock?
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
What?!?
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
not for long
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind