villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
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Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
2 years later
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
You’re the water to my grease fire.
let’s discuss
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat