There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
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If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t