god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
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Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
If only.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what