Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
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A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October