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actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
i smell a pulitzer
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.