I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
You Might Also Like
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Ugh but profoundly
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.