You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
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History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.