me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
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Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.