When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
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If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
How do horror writers compete with current events?
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
They’re stuck in your pants?
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.