I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
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Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.