Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
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Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Swedish for common sense.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Good advice.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.