When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
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when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
being a writer on Twitter:
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.