Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ArchiePeeler's best tweets

@ArchiePeeler : If anyone pulls a quarter from behind your ear you chloroform them and put them in chains in your basement and you'll always have quarters.

@ArchiePeeler: Hostess: It's a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.

@ArchiePeeler: Giving our 3-yr-old son the big news...

Wife: We're having a baby!
Son: Keep it in there.
Me: Well, we can't --
Son: Keep. It. In.