don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
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The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!