kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
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When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.