Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ArfMeasures's best tweets

@ArfMeasures : GF: What's my biggest flaw? ME: You haven't got any, you're perfect, I love you GF: No come on, I mean pacifically ME: We should split up

@ArfMeasures: ME [Puts up "Have u seen my dog?" posters across town]

HER: Oh no! You've lost your dog!

M: No I just think u should see him. He's awesome

@ArfMeasures: ME: I've brought you a house-warming present

ESKIMO: You idiot

@ArfMeasures: [Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok

[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR

@ArfMeasures: ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I'm delusional

UBER DRIVER: I didn't say anything

@ArfMeasures: [restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about you

ME: Sure [loudly chewing a steak] I haven't brought any money

@ArfMeasures: ME: This car's perfect except for one thing
WIFE: Yes, there's no room for the childre-
ME: [finds cup holder] lol I was wrong, it's perfect

@ArfMeasures: DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can't see you right now

ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome

@ArfMeasures: [prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

DAUGHTER: So I gather

@ArfMeasures: [during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys

[all the other players look at me]

ME: Is....is anyone else cold?