Funny Tweeter

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Page of ArfMeasures's best tweets

@ArfMeasures : ME *enters new password* COMPUTER: Ok M: Aren't u going tell me it's too weak? C: I've seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind

@ArfMeasures: [Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That's ok, thanks, I have my own house

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

@ArfMeasures: *watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it's so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet

*watches the news*
Oh

@ArfMeasures: ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today

ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE

ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you

@ArfMeasures: [Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die

*I walk in*

ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone

@ArfMeasures: DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush

ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing

@ArfMeasures: [mouse wedding]

PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN'T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE

@ArfMeasures: PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes

[home]
WIFE: Where's Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal

@ArfMeasures: [Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleep

GOD: [on his phone] Hang on

ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok

@ArfMeasures: SURGEON: I'm afraid that your Grandma is very critical

ME: Oh no

SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut