@ArfMeasures: Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven't been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
@ArfMeasures: Wife: I'm leaving with the kids if you don't stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
@ArfMeasures: Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You've already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
@ArfMeasures: Me: Will you marry me?
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
@ArfMeasures: ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn't have favourites and second of all that's the dog
@ArfMeasures: ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
@ArfMeasures: WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
@ArfMeasures: Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
@ArfMeasures: [After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight
[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin' on karaoke, I will sing both parts