@ArfMeasures: Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me!
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
@ArfMeasures: Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you're a liar
@ArfMeasures: [closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don't think Waldo is in there
@ArfMeasures: Teacher: What is the world's laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
@ArfMeasures: Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I'm talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He's hilarious but useless in bed
@ArfMeasures: Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He's murdered 7 people
@ArfMeasures: Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
@ArfMeasures: Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you're still getting arrested for murder though
@ArfMeasures: Me: I don't know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don't know how to hold this baby