Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ArfMeasures's best tweets

@ArfMeasures : ME: I've eaten a lot of spicy food GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny

@ArfMeasures: ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?

@ArfMeasures: HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we're stuck on this desert island

ME: Actually it's a "deserted" island

H: Ok so that was easy

@ArfMeasures: ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse

COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?

ME: It's like a big, fast dog

@ArfMeasures: ME *enters new password*

COMPUTER: Ok

M: Aren't u going tell me it's too weak?

C: I've seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind

@ArfMeasures: [Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That's ok, thanks, I have my own house

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

@ArfMeasures: *watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it's so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet

*watches the news*
Oh

@ArfMeasures: ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today

ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE

ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you

@ArfMeasures: [Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die

*I walk in*

ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone

@ArfMeasures: DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush

ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing