Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ArfMeasures's best tweets

@ArfMeasures : Him: I eat healthily Me who has just learned the word ditto and can't wait to use it: say something else

@ArfMeasures: Netflix: Watch it again

Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven't been outside in 3 days

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: ok

@ArfMeasures: Wife: I'm leaving with the kids if you don't stop pretending our house is a hospital

Me: That would be great, we really need the beds

@ArfMeasures: Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: You've already written no

Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess

Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess

@ArfMeasures: Me: Will you marry me?

Her: No

Backing singers: She said no! she said no!

Me: Not now

@ArfMeasures: ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite

WIFE: First of all you shouldn't have favourites and second of all that's the dog

@ArfMeasures: ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies

GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes

ME: Put Ratatouille on

@ArfMeasures: WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down

ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*

BEE *depressed* holy shit

@ArfMeasures: Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?

Me *stares around my empty house* everything

@ArfMeasures: [After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight

[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin' on karaoke, I will sing both parts