Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ArfMeasures's best tweets

@ArfMeasures : COP: It's 4/20 ME: Yes, and I'm a dealer! COP: Then you're under arrest ME: I'm a dealer at the casino, lol! COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work? ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there

@ArfMeasures: ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can't even remember, how...how far did we go?

HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops

@ArfMeasures: [After my death]

WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it's my husband

*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*

WIFE [tearing up] omg it's him!!

@ArfMeasures: BULLY: lol as if you've got a date for prom

ME: uh yes, actually, I have

BULLY: Damn

ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It's May 23rd. I'll be going alone

@ArfMeasures: COP: Tell me what you saw

ME: Jersey Boys

COP: *sighs* at the crime scene

ME: No, at the theatre

@ArfMeasures: BOUNCER: No, you're not getting in, just go home

ME: *slips him some money*

BOUNCER: What's this?

ME *whispering so my friends don't hear* thank you

@ArfMeasures: [Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know...my bed is kinda cold when I'm in it on my own

ME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

@ArfMeasures: DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you've forgotten my name?

ME: Haha of course that's

BARISTA: Latte for Rachel

ME: not true, Rachel

DATE: That's not mine

ME: DAMN IT

@ArfMeasures: "But I don't want to, Dad!"
"Tough"
"The people are horrible"
"You're still going"

[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I'm back

@ArfMeasures: ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That's quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don't like you