@ArfMeasures: ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
@ArfMeasures: HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we're stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it's a "deserted" island
H: Ok so that was easy
@ArfMeasures: ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It's like a big, fast dog
@ArfMeasures: ME *enters new password*
M: Aren't u going tell me it's too weak?
C: I've seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That's ok, thanks, I have my own house
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
@ArfMeasures: *watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it's so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet
*watches the news*
@ArfMeasures: ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die
*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
@ArfMeasures: DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing