@ArfMeasures: ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
@ArfMeasures: ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
@ArfMeasures: INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn't just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
@ArfMeasures: DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
@ArfMeasures: GOD: *creates ant* I'm so pleased with this
ANT: You could say you're triumphANT lol
GOD: *creates anteater*
@ArfMeasures: GF: So we just wanted to say we're engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You're not really my type though
@ArfMeasures: COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
@ArfMeasures: DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn't help it
@ArfMeasures: ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I'm reading]
WIFE: You're ruining that Kindle