@ArfMeasures: Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight's done. It's over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You've done 9 seconds
@ArfMeasures: DATE: What's your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
@ArfMeasures: [Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What...what do you mean, you "tried some breakdancing"?
@ArfMeasures: ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
HER: I want to have sex so badly
ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
@ArfMeasures: ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I'm bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You're expelled
@ArfMeasures: [Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonight
DATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
@ArfMeasures: GF: What's my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven't got any, you're perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up