Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ArfMeasures's best tweets

@ArfMeasures : [being chased through the woods by a murderer] Me: I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING Murderer: What? Me *showing him my Fitbit* I've done 10,000 steps Murderer: omg lemme check mine

@ArfMeasures: Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can't be recovered

Me: So the book I've been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!

Tech Support: how much had you written?

Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences

@ArfMeasures: ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?

WIFE: Two!

ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm

@ArfMeasures: Me *rings 911* help me I'm dying!

Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing

@ArfMeasures: Wife: How is he?

Doctor: To be honest, he's like a fish out of water

Wife: He's in unfamiliar surroundings?

Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he's dead

@ArfMeasures: Me: I got the birthday cake for our son

Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh

Me: oh shit he's gonna be 4 isn't he

Wife: His name is Jake

@ArfMeasures: Wife: We're so happy we finish each other's
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy

@ArfMeasures: Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I'll fire you

Me: ok

Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory

Me: oh no

@ArfMeasures: Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself

Me: I see

Gf: Are you gonna over-react?

Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do

Ex Gf: what

@ArfMeasures: Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I'll have a word with him

Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?