Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ArfMeasures's best tweets

@ArfMeasures : Her: Do you know any dog photographers? Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to

@ArfMeasures: Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me!

Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting

@ArfMeasures: Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed

*my kid walks in*

Me: I see you're a liar

@ArfMeasures: [closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don't think Waldo is in there

@ArfMeasures: Teacher: What is the world's laziest creature? You, at the back

Me, at the back: rude

@ArfMeasures: Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?

Me: An uber haha

Wife: omg this is what I'm talking about!

Couples Therapist: Yes

Wife: He's hilarious but useless in bed

@ArfMeasures: Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!

Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you

Me: He's murdered 7 people

@ArfMeasures: Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons

Me: Like what?

Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die

Me: And what are the cons?

@ArfMeasures: Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!

Cop: you're still getting arrested for murder though

@ArfMeasures: Me: I don't know how to hold this baby

Her: Head held high

Me *proudly* I don't know how to hold this baby