Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ArfMeasures's best tweets

@ArfMeasures : Robber: I'll kill you if your wife doesn't answer my questions Me: Oh God ok Robber: Where's the safe? Wife: Over there Robber: What's the code? Wife: 5743 Robber: What do you want for dinner? Me: oh no

@ArfMeasures: HARPER LEE: I don't know what to call my novel

MOCKING BIRD: It's probably garbage anyway

HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea

@ArfMeasures: [Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!

Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can

Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy

@ArfMeasures: Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!

Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?

Me: All the time

@ArfMeasures: Col Mustard: We'll have a quiet night

Miss Scarlet: No murdering!

Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!

Me: What's wrong? Are you all "board" of it lmao

*long pause*

Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering

Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick

@ArfMeasures: *looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board

@ArfMeasures: [Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you're that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

@ArfMeasures: Me: What do you think of your haircut?

Wife: I need more volume

Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?

@ArfMeasures: Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I'd like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we're gonna somehow try to kill you twice

@ArfMeasures: Me *buying alcohol*

Him: I need identification

Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey

Him: I meant you

Me: I'm Jon