Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ArfMeasures's best tweets

@ArfMeasures : DATE: I'm really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters

@ArfMeasures: ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok

GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?

@ArfMeasures: ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course

ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?

@ArfMeasures: INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn't just a yes-man, you know what I mean?

ME [clever] no

@ArfMeasures: DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up

ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?

DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want

@ArfMeasures: GOD: *creates ant* I'm so pleased with this

ANT: You could say you're triumphANT lol

GOD: *creates anteater*

@ArfMeasures: GF: So we just wanted to say we're engaged!

HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first

ME: You're not really my type though

@ArfMeasures: COP: Have you been drinking?

ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so

@ArfMeasures: DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?

ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn't help it

@ArfMeasures: ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I'm reading]

WIFE: You're ruining that Kindle