Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ArfMeasures's best tweets

@ArfMeasures : [Me as a boxing commentator] ME: Oh no, they're fighting again, this is just like last time

@ArfMeasures: Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight's done. It's over.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: You've done 9 seconds

@ArfMeasures: DATE: What's your favourite movie?

ME: Kill Bill

DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated

ME [long pause] Killiam William

@ArfMeasures: [Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What...what do you mean, you "tried some breakdancing"?

@ArfMeasures: [God inventing snakes]

What about a scarf that could kill you?

@ArfMeasures: ME: One time I was attacked by a shark

REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like

ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish

@ArfMeasures: [Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badly

ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex

@ArfMeasures: ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I'm bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You're expelled

@ArfMeasures: [Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonight

DATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not

@ArfMeasures: GF: What's my biggest flaw?

ME: You haven't got any, you're perfect, I love you

GF: No come on, I mean pacifically

ME: We should split up