MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
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When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
My relationship with tea has always been strained.