A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
You Might Also Like
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.