me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
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The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package