*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
You Might Also Like
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Monday
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
I am all good here, 😂😉
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.