Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
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Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.