Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
You Might Also Like
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.